


Sick of smiling, tired of trying

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, I suppose, It ends in a more positive way, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 21:16:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11654898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Magnus Bane was a broken man, masked behind a person that constantly wore a smile on his face and appeared to have no problems. Magnus created an illusion that made others believe he had no worries on his mind, but God, that couldn’t be further away from the truth.





	Sick of smiling, tired of trying

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: descriptions of self-harm
> 
> Sorry for a fanfic with such a dark theme, but writing about this helps me deal with my own personal struggles. It helps me stay grounded and not to... do something stupid and self-destructive. I usually tend to avoid writing / reading about dark things, so if this isn't your cup of tea, I completely understand if you don't read.

Magnus Bane was a broken man, masked behind a person that constantly wore a smile on his face and appeared to have no problems. Magnus created an illusion that made others believe he had no worries on his mind, but God, that couldn’t be further away from the truth. Years of immortality had gotten to him and lately, he had found himself at the same place than he did all of those years in London as he was standing on that bridge, prepared to end it all. He had Camille with him back then, but now he had no one. With how everything went down recently, he was again completely alone and he started crumbling apart. Being alone was something that the warlock couldn’t handle, Camille was right and deep inside he wished that he hadn’t sent her to Idris. The Clave had tortured him, Alec lied to him far too many times, which ended up in an ugly breakup. All of that combined with Magnus’ already open wounds brought him back to a very, very dark place.

Magnus loved Alec more than him loved himself, but he couldn’t handle having him around now that he didn’t trust him anymore. He poured his heart and soul out to him when he told him what happened to his mother and stepfather back then. He had told him things that almost no one knew before and he hated himself for that; he shouldn’t have been so weak. The warlock thought that Alec had changed, but at the end of the day, Alec was still a Shadowhunter, who put needs of his own people and orders from the Clave before his personal life and their relationship. That broke Magnus’ heart and was completely devastated. Now, he was convinced that he had none in his life anymore. Sure, he had friends, but in the moment of complete despair, Magnus didn’t wish to speak to them. Besides, he didn’t want to burden them with his own problems. He was sure that they wouldn’t want to listen to him, though, deep inside he knew that wasn’t true.

But it wasn’t just the breakup that caused him such depressive thoughts. They were with him even before that, but with the help of Alec he started slowly healing, though he never told Alec just how exactly lonely he was when he would leave his place to go back to the Institute. A part of him died every time when Alec went back home, because that meant that he was again left with those feelings and thoughts, thinking that no one would probably miss him if something would happen to him. Sure, his services would be missed, but they would find another warlock instead of him. He was replaceable. Everyone was.

Magnus was just… so tired and he didn’t know how to go on from that. The exhaustion wasn’t even physical, but it was emotional, which he found to be even more terrible. When the mornings came, he barely mustered enough strength and determination to force himself out of the bed. He would gladly spend the entire day there, hidden from the world. But he couldn’t do that. When he had Alec, he had a reason that kept him going, but not anymore.

Now, nights were the most horrible part of it all. That was when all of those feelings and thoughts crept back into Magnus’ heart and mind after the entire day of pushing them away. He had gotten quite successful at making people think that he was doing okay. But, that took a huge toll on him. Suppressing those feelings of depression reflected in them rushing back to him in the middle of the nights and eating him alive when he was the most vulnerable. Sometimes, they were so intense that he didn’t know how to handle them. His chest would become so tight that he couldn’t properly breathe, his palms sweaty and cold, as was his body, shivering.

Magnus hated when he got like that; he couldn’t control his body when that happened. He would either cry himself to sleep, or just stare in the ceiling, completely numb. Those were his favourite moments, he liked feeling numb, because it was a lot easier than dealing with so many emotions at the same time.

To numb those feelings when it came became unbearable, Magnus learned that alcohol helped quite nicely. With it, he was able to shake all of his demons away and it helped him to clear his thoughts, at least that was what he thought. He didn’t like being sober, because he couldn’t handle the silence; the quiet scared him because it screamed the truth. As long as he didn’t have to deal with all of that, he was happy, no matter how self-destructive he was being. However, the alcohol wasn’t able to numb those feelings every time and when it would become too hard for him to handle, Magnus did things to himself which made him hate himself even more than he already did.

Self-harm was something that he discovered when he was still just a boy and he was ashamed every time when his self-control would slip up. But, he couldn’t stop; once he was too far gone, there was no coming back. The first cut always hurt the most, but then the pain felt almost soothing. It felt good feeling the pain somewhere else than in his heart. That kind of a pain was much easier to handle as well. No one knew about that, not even Camille; and she knew everything about him. Almost. He hid his scars with magic, ashamed with himself and he promised to himself that he would never tell to anyone his deepest, darkest secrets.

Broken down in agony, Magnus swallowed back a sob. He was sitting on the floor of his living room, pressed against the wall, curled up into a ball and was hugging himself, rocking himself back and forth, just like his mother used to do it. Humming a melody of a lullaby that she used to sing to him when he was a little boy helped him relax at times. But not always. And he had a feeling that that was one of the times that it wouldn’t be enough, because he was feeling that he was still falling down and he couldn’t stop it. In his desperation, Magnus conjured a projection of his mother with his magic and controlled it so that it hugged his trembling body and ruffled his hair. “Mama,” whispered the broken man and tears rolled down his cheeks. With his shaking hands, he made the projection smile at him and just for a split moment, he was happy. Then, the happiness ended when he looked back up at his mother and remembered everything that she did just because of him. The projection of his mother faded away and he angrily got onto his legs and again, with his magic, broke one of his vases.

He was able to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror and he was horrified when he saw himself. His hair was a mess, his makeup smeared from the tears. Angrily, he wiped the tears away and ended up smearing his makeup even more, but he didn’t care. In the heap of the moment, he ended up shattering the mirror as well, but without the use of magic this time. He formed a fist with his hand and rammed it into the mirror, gasping out in pain as some of the broken pieces of the mirror rammed into his hand, his eyes widening when he saw that he was bleeding. However, the pain in his hand made him close his eyes and just for a moment, he felt okay. But the pain and the hole in his heart were present again in a few more moments and his heart fell to the pit of his stomach. He needed more, his thoughts darkening when he looked down and saw the pieces of the broken mirror. He leaned down and picked up the biggest piece, careful not to cut himself then.

Magnus’ throat felt tight; the broken piece was sharp and with it, he could quite easily… It was like an addiction and he wanted more, but when he saw a part of his own reflection in the broken piece, he quickly released it onto the sofa, disgusted with himself. No, he decided. He needed to be stronger than this. However, he didn’t know what would happen; he wasn’t in the right state of mind and he couldn’t trust himself. Wanting a quick release, Magnus went to the bar and opened the whiskey bottle, drinking straight from it.

But it didn’t help and he ended up throwing the liquor bottle against the wall, angrily swearing and he started walking around in circles, his eyes glancing at the broken piece, which was still on the sofa. Magnus knew that he wasn’t strong to resist the temptation and he needed someone to be there with him. Without even thinking, he grabbed his phone and found Alec’s number among all of his contacts. He hesitated a bit, but in the end decided to call the Shadowhunter, even though they had broken up. He needed Alec and he convinced himself that he was going to be fine. Alec was going to pick up. He was sure.

But he didn’t.

So Magnus tried again and again. Frantically, Magnus kept calling Alec over and over again, but after almost ten tries, Alec still didn’t pick up and that was when Magnus reached the bottom, throwing his phone onto the couch and he gritted his teeth. He could had called someone else, but after Alec not picking up, he couldn’t bother. Alec was probably busy with something, but Magnus didn’t think about that. He was so focused on himself that he had forgotten all about Alec’s duties and thought that Alec wasn’t picking up on purpose. Well, he couldn’t blame him. It was Magnus who ended their relationship, so of course Alec was avoiding him now. Magnus kept pushing him away even though Alec kept apologising to him over and over again. But at the same time, the warlock wanted to teach him a lesson. However, he didn’t know that by teaching Alec a lesson, he ended up hurting himself more than he intended.

Devastated, Magnus placed his phone onto the coffee table and then his eyes found the sharp piece of the broken mirror again and tears welled up in his eyes. That was it; he had reached his breaking point and he knew that there wasn’t a way back. His hands started trembling again when he knew that he was losing control over his body and he swallowed back a sob as he started walking towards the sofa, the pain in his chest getting bigger. At some point, he was sure that he was going to suffocate; he couldn’t breathe. He struggled and struggled, but the air in his lungs wasn’t enough. He started breathing faster and uncollected, his heartbeat going faster as well. He could feel his heart thumping against his ribcage and he pressed his lips together, trying to even out his breathing, but he couldn’t calm down. All that he could think was about the pain, his hatred towards himself and how miserable his life was.

His whole was a lie; he lied to people that he was okay. He pretended to be someone they expected him to be and now that he was slowly unravelling, he didn’t know how to deal with himself. He had it enough and quickly grabbed the broken piece of the mirror, rolled up his sleeve and brought it close to his arm. His thoughts were racing and he wasn’t thinking rationally anymore. He was so focused on getting release that he was sure that he would die if he wouldn’t get it in that instant. The warlock pushed the sharp piece against his skin and pushed a bit harder, pulling onto it slightly. The cut wasn’t deep, but he still pressed enough to break the skin and his eyes widened when he looked down. His body couldn’t register the pain, but he was mesmerized by the first cut. He watched how the blood gathered in the fresh cut, running down his arm.

And then Magnus lost himself completely, he had no control over his body whatsoever. He had forgotten completely about his surroundings as more cuts followed, each deeper than the last one. It had been a while since he had done that and losing control after such a long time took a huge toll on Magnus. Once he realised what he had done, he was disgusted and fresh tears started streaming down his face as he punished himself by giving himself more cuts, sobbing as he went along. However, somewhere in the middle, he felt relief as well and his body had gotten a lot lighter. Magnus had calmed down, but at what cost?

The warlock had forgotten the track of time and didn’t care about anything else than his own thoughts. He could hear his phone ringing, but he didn’t bother answering. He had gotten his fix; he could think clearly, finally. Without having to listen that annoying voice telling that he wasn’t good enough. In that moment, he felt great. Happy, even. Feeling as if he was floating, Magnus dropped the broken piece of glass, far weak exhausted to keep holding onto it. Tears stopped flowing and Magnus closed his eyes, his body suddenly feeling very heavy and he felt sleepy. He didn’t find it weird at all; he finally felt calm and he didn’t care about other things. And if there wasn’t a knock at the door, he would probably fall asleep. For good.

What Magnus didn’t know was that he had gotten overboard that time and was bleeding heavily. Usually he was careful even when he was at his darkest moments. Up until then, he had never lost control like that. The knocking at the door was frantic and Magnus wanted to get the door. However, as he tried getting up, he felt dizzy, the room spinning in front of his eyes. In a panic to hide the evidence of what he had done, Magnus tried standing up, but as he did that, he blacked out completely.

Alec was the one standing in front of the door; he was beyond worried. When Magnus was calling him, he didn’t have his phone with him. He had left it in his room, since he had a meeting but once he saw that he had 10 missed calls from Magnus, he regretted his decision. It was weird for Magnus to be calling him since they had just broken up and the warlock would spend most of the time avoiding him. Besides, the number of missed calls was what worried Alec the most. He tried calling back, but because Magnus didn’t pick up, Alec stared fearing of the worst. He wasted no time and he headed straight for Magnus’ place, break up or not. Alec knocked a few times, but then his heart stopped beating when he heard a loud thump. It was then that he decided to go to hell with formalities and he literally broke into Magnus’ apartment, using his _stele_ and runes.

Honestly, Alec didn’t know what to expect what to see when he stepped inside, but nothing could prepare him for what he had witnessed. His _stele_ fell from his hand when he saw Magnus laying on the floor and all of the colour drained from the Shadowhunter’s face when he saw the amount of blood around Magnus. The trail started at the sofa and Alec quickly took out his Seraph blade, thinking that Magnus was attacked. However, even if he was, he could deal with that bastard later. First, he needed to go check up on Magnus.

Alec literally ran to Magnus, who wasn’t moving and he didn’t know what to do. Magnus didn’t appear to be hurt anywhere but on his arm, but the Shadowhunter then froze when he saw the cuts on Magnus’ arm. There were so many of them and he was still bleeding. Judging by how much blood there was on the floor, Alec could only wonder how much blood he had already lost. He knew that his first priority was stopping the bleeding. Alec knew where Magnus kept his potions and he knew enough about them to know which ones were used for healing wounds. He quickly grabbed the right bottle and went back down to Magnus, dripping the potion onto the bleeding wounds and weight lifted off of his chest when he saw that the potion worked immediately, the bleeding stopping almost immediately.

Because Magnus was still just laying lifeless, Alec’s throat squeezed and he placed his fingers against Magnus’ neck, tears of relief gathering in his eyes when he found the heartbeat. Thank the Angels; the warlock was still alive, just unconscious. The next thing that Alec did was carry Magnus into his bedroom and placed his onto the bed. Only when he made sure that Magnus was comfortable, he decided to go see if there was anyone else in the apartment. He promised to himself that he was going to kill the person who did this to Magnus. However, he couldn’t find anyone and Alec cursed. That bastard was already probably gone. Angry, Alec returned back into the bedroom and his heart twisted when he saw Magnus just lying there. His heart ached even more when he remembered all the happy memories that took place in that bedroom and he quickly shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking about break up, even though it hurt like hell. And he still loved Magnus. God, he loved him so much.

Deflated, Alec sat down onto the edge of the bed and placed a hand against Magnus’ cheek, gently stroking it. “Magnus,” whispered Alec. “Come on, open your eyes,” he then added, but Magnus didn’t regain conscience right away. Alec kept sitting there next to him for a few more moments before Magnus finally moved his head and forced his eyes to open.

“Thank God, you’re awake,” whispered Alec.

“Alexander?” forced out Magnus weakly when his eyes focused on Alec. For a few moments, he didn’t know if he had died and went to heaven, because Alec was there next to him, his eyes full of worry and sadness. Then, he quickly realised that he was still alive and guilt crept back into his heart when he remembered what he did. He frantically grabbed his arm and his eyes widened when he couldn’t find any wounds and cuts. However, he was covered with his own dried up blood and he then looked up at Alec, feeling sick down to his stomach when he realised that Alec must’ve found him like that. Ashamed, Magnus bowed his head down and tears welled up in his eyes as he kept holding onto his previously wounded arm.

“Yeah, it’s me,” said Alec, his voice sad. The heart break was still very present and it hurt Alec looking at Magnus, now that he couldn’t call the man his boyfriend anymore. As that settled in, Alec puffed his cheeks and had to look away, frowning when he saw that Magnus was grabbing onto his arm. “Magnus, who did attack you?” he asked, his voice low and he was ready to attack again.

“What?”

“Who did this to you?”

Magnus froze when he was asked that and for a long time, he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. He was too embarrassed to confess that he did that to himself. He knew that it was very wrong, but he couldn’t confess that out loud. Especially not to Alec. Not now that they were fighting. Alec had other things on his plate, he wouldn’t have the time to worry about him as well. It wouldn’t be fair of Magnus to expect that from Alec. “I don’t know,” mouthed Magnus, but tears in his eyes gave him away and Alec shook his head.

“You’re lying. You know who did this,” stammered Alec. “Look, even if we broke up,” said Alec and made a short pause. “I still want you to know that you can trust me. I still care for you,” said the Shadowhunter, his heart heavy and he then looked down. “I love you Magnus, so tell me who did this. I want to help you. I’m still here for you, no matter what.”

That broke Magnus’ heart, because he did trust Alec. With all that he had. “I can’t tell you,” said Magnus and new tears started rolling down his face. “You weren’t supposed to see that side of me,” he then went on by saying and Alec was beyond confused. “I’m ashamed that I couldn’t be stronger to deal with my feelings. I’ve slipped again, I did something terrible again and-”

“What the hell are you talking about, Magnus?” asked Alec softly, slowly getting the idea where Magnus was going with that. “Did you…” started Alec. “Hurt yourself? On purpose?”

A muffled sob left Magnus’ mouth and even though he didn’t say anything, his silence said more than a thousand words. Alec’s stomach made a flop when he heard that, thinking that it was the break up that caused Magnus to hurt himself. That wasn’t like him. At all. Magnus would never hurt himself over such a little thing. This was Magnus that he was talking about. Someone who rarely got upset, put up with all of his bullshit back in the past.

“Why?” stammered Alec, his voice breaking. “You could’ve died.”

“Well, maybe you should have left me,” said Magnus without thinking and Alec gave him a horrified look.

“Why are you saying that?” whispered Alec. “It’s my fault. If we haven’t broken up, then-”

“This isn’t you fault,” said Magnus, finding it horrible that Alec was blaming himself for something that he had nothing to do with. “I had problems before we broke up. Before we even got together, to be honest. I’ve been dealing with… depression for a long time. I used to have a better control over it, but things have spiralled down the last few weeks and-”

“What?” asked Alec. “You never… said anything. I never noticed, I-” started Alec, his voice trailing off, feeling horrible and he blamed himself for not noticing anything sooner. He really was the worst. “Why did you keep it from me? If you told me sooner, I’d help you. You shouldn’t be dealing with this on your own.”

“Well, this isn’t something I’m quite proud of, Alec. I hate this part of myself, so no one knew until now,” stammered the warlock. “You have enough worries on your plane with running the Institute and-”

“You were always more important than the stupid Institute, Magnus!” snapped Alec and then lowered his head down. He didn’t mean to shout at Magnus. “You still are,” he then said with a much silent voice and shook his head.

 “I-”

“Also, depression isn’t something to be ashamed of, Magnus,” said Alec softly and shook his head. “Didn’t you once tell me something along those lines? You shouldn’t keep things only to himself, I know how it can get… it was you who taught me that I should reach out to people when I need help and things get too hard for you to handle,” said the hunter.

Magnus let out a hitched breath and had to look away. In Alec’s eyes, he could see the guilt and Magnus knew that it was him who caused Alec to hurt again; maybe the Shadowhunter really was better off without him. “I’m sorry,” stammered Magnus and turned onto his side, pulling the bedsheets over his head. “I troubled you again. Maybe you should go and-”

“There’s no way I’m leaving you alone, I would be cruel if I left now. You need someone and I’m here and ready to listen,” said the younger one and placed a hand on top of Magnus’ shoulder. The warlock flinched at the touch, but Alec didn’t remove his hand and he gave Magnus’ shoulder and gentle squeeze, which let the older one know he wasn’t going anywhere. Boyfriends or not; Alec was there for him and Magnus’ eyes filled with tears when that realisation started settling in.

“Alexander, I lo-” started Magnus, but then broke out in tears when he realised what he was about to say. He was in no position to be saying that. He was the one who broke it off with Alec. Saying that he loved him would hurt Alec again.

Tears came to Alec’s eyes as well and a sad smile spread across his face. He knew what Magnus was about to say and his heart warmed up that Magnus still loved him. It was a miracle, really, that the warlock still loved him after what he had done. “Yeah, I know. I love you too,” said Alec, his voice breaking. “That’s why I’m staying.”

Magnus pulled off the bedsheets and turned his head around, his eyes widening when he saw Alec’s face. The young man was somewhere in the middle of crying and smiling. Tears were running down Alec’s face as his heart ached for Magnus. He didn’t care about the break up at that exact moment. Magnus was more important and his heart was crying for the warlock as he thought how hard it must’ve been on Magnus all those years of hiding and pretending to be fine. “Hold me,” whispered Magnus and without having to be told twice, Alec climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around him, holding Magnus close to himself.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here,” whispered Alec, his hand drawing uneven patterns against Magnus’ back and he felt relieved when Magnus relaxed in his arms.

In Alec’s arms, Magnus felt how he was starting to calm down. He clutched onto Alec’s sweater and took in a deep breath. There, in Alec’s embrace it felt like home. “I missed you,” said Magnus and Alec just nodded, feeling the same. “Sometimes… I’m just so tired of everything. I’m sick of smiling and so tired of trying. There are just days that I want to be left alone, but… Others are counting on me, I can’t… I’m the High warlock of Brooklyn. I-”

“When you’re with me, you don’t have to be the High warlock of Brooklyn,” said Alec softly. “Just be you. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to scream, scream if it will make you better,” he said.

“Alexander,” stammered Magnus and ducked his head down and Alec took in a deep breath.

There just so much that he could do for Magnus; Alec was very well aware that Magnus needed to speak to someone who was more qualified than he was. Alec could listen, yes, and try his best to give a good advice. But his advices might not be the best. Isabelle, who was still in recovery, was going to a person that Mundanes referred to as a therapist. According to her, talking with her therapist helped her with staying sober. Maybe seeing a professional like that would help Magnus as well.

“Have you ever considered talking about this with someone who is… professional?” slowly asked Alec, not wanting to come off as insensitive, but he was saying that because he _cared_. “There are Mundanes who are-”

“You mean a therapist?” asked Magnus with a small voice and looked up.

“Yeah,” said Alec. “Izzy’s going to one and according to her, they helped out her a lot,” he said and watched how Magnus’ facial expression changed into a confused one. Thinking that he had said something wrong, Alec quickly backed away a bit, his heart fastening. “I’m not saying that you have to. It was just a suggestion. If you don’t want to, then I understand. I’ll help you out then. But I was just saying this because I care and I don’t want anything happening to you,” he stammered. “B-because when I found you today, I-”

“Okay,” breathed out Magnus, knowing that he needed some help. He knew all about therapists and even thought about going to seeing one. Yet, up until then, never got around to actually do it. However, not that he knew that he had Alec’s support, maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult into paying one of them a visit. “It’s just-”

“What?”

“I’m kind of nervous. I mean, I don’t feel comfortable about telling a stranger about personal things. I barely opened up to you and-”

“I’ll go with you,” said Alec quickly. “You don’t need to be afraid, I’d be with you on every step. Plus, maybe going to see one myself wouldn’t be a bad idea. I have things that I have to work on myself.”

“Thank you, Alexander,” said Magnus and then scooted back to Alec, whose arms went back around him. The war was still going inside of the warlock, but that time, he was successful with shutting those voices off, because he had hope. With Alec by his side, he might be able to get a proper help after centuries of hiding his pain behind fake smiles. Plus, hearing that Alec was willing to go with him to the therapist, made him feel a lot better. The two of them might had been still broken up, but Magnus had a feeling that the break up was only temporary. However, for the first time in his life, he decided to put himself first. He needed to work on his problems and after he’d be able to that, only then he would worry himself about their relationship.

Alec felt the same. He was willing to wait for Magnus; the warlock’s well-being was more important. With that on his mind, Alec sighed and then weight lifted off of his chest when he looked down and saw that Magnus was asleep. Alec had no intentions of falling asleep, so he just lied there next to Magnus and watched over him as the other one slept, hoping for a better future for Magnus.


End file.
